WG Tag Team: Barack & Hulk Hogan vs. Hillary & "The Rock"
Weekend Grudgematch!
OK, we're trying something new this weekend. It's the Tag Team Rumble!
What if, instead of sorting it all out in the primaries, Barack and Hillary just decided to solve things with brute force, Mano y Womano? Of course, their handlers wouldn't go for that. Everything in politics must be properly staged. Thus, they call in the masters of staged fights, the WWE, for assistance. So, the WWE provides them with partners in this brute force matchup.
Barack, trying to deal with charges that he is inexperienced, balances his ticket by choosing fan favorite and legend, "Hollywood Hulk Hogan," who leaves his reality show to step back into the ring. Hillary, trying to appeal to a younger audience, goes with Dwayne Johnson, aka "The Rock," who leaves the set of "Get Smart" to join the fray. Both wrestlers are serious about supporting their candidate, and as it turns out, there's no staging after all. This one is for keeps!
Knowing they need a knowledgeable and 'independent' referee, Barack and Hillary enlist Governor Jesse "the Body" Ventura to referee this rumble. (Just to be clear, David Geffen is in no way involved)
IMPORTANT NOTE: this isn't intended to be a political blog, because they're not nearly as much fun. So, let's limit it to how each of them would fight -- strength, determination, training, grit, etc -- rather than policy arguments about the war or Medicare or how each of them would govern. Let's keep this light and nonpartisan--save your political arguments for other more boring and serious blogs.
Thanks to Karen for her input on this matchup.
Housekeeping: It appears that this blog's layout doesn't load properly on older versions of IE. Newer versions of IE seem to be just fine. I'm looking into it.
Discuss.
OK, we're trying something new this weekend. It's the Tag Team Rumble!
What if, instead of sorting it all out in the primaries, Barack and Hillary just decided to solve things with brute force, Mano y Womano? Of course, their handlers wouldn't go for that. Everything in politics must be properly staged. Thus, they call in the masters of staged fights, the WWE, for assistance. So, the WWE provides them with partners in this brute force matchup.
Barack, trying to deal with charges that he is inexperienced, balances his ticket by choosing fan favorite and legend, "Hollywood Hulk Hogan," who leaves his reality show to step back into the ring. Hillary, trying to appeal to a younger audience, goes with Dwayne Johnson, aka "The Rock," who leaves the set of "Get Smart" to join the fray. Both wrestlers are serious about supporting their candidate, and as it turns out, there's no staging after all. This one is for keeps!
Knowing they need a knowledgeable and 'independent' referee, Barack and Hillary enlist Governor Jesse "the Body" Ventura to referee this rumble. (Just to be clear, David Geffen is in no way involved)
IMPORTANT NOTE: this isn't intended to be a political blog, because they're not nearly as much fun. So, let's limit it to how each of them would fight -- strength, determination, training, grit, etc -- rather than policy arguments about the war or Medicare or how each of them would govern. Let's keep this light and nonpartisan--save your political arguments for other more boring and serious blogs.
Thanks to Karen for her input on this matchup.
Housekeeping: It appears that this blog's layout doesn't load properly on older versions of IE. Newer versions of IE seem to be just fine. I'm looking into it.
Discuss.
at
3:13 PM
18 Comments:
I guess I will be the first to venture out on this subject.
Barack was born in Hawaii. Most Hawaiians are pretty laid back people. He is very tall and skinny and looks like he could be snapped like a twig. Hulk Hogan is getting up there in years.
Hillary has been in New York and is pretty scrappy. She has more meat on her bones than Barack. "The Rock" is fairly younger than Hulk Hogan.
So, with these observations as my proof, I would think Hillary would win the battle.
One fundamental question: does Hillary get a mouth guard? Because a single sucker punch to her ginormous chompers, and she's down for the count. Otherwise, it's Hil and the Rock all the way. Nobody beats on the Scorpion King and his weaselly glad-handling side-kick and lives to tell the tale...
well, I think Obama is too much of a nice guy, devout church goer, etc. But Hillary on the other hand doesn't have morals in her way. She would fight dirty! She'd do whatever it took to win, cheating, killing, I wouldn't put much of anything past her. So along with the fact that the Hulk is getting older... I am sad to say that Hillary would probably take this one.
I think it all comes down to hair. Between Hulk Hogan, Barack and the Rock, there's not much to grab. We all know that fights like this come down to how much hair you can grab so as to render sucker-punching extremely effective. Hillary has a full head of hair as we have all, unfortunately, seen. In other words, plenty to grab on to.
Although Hillary's a tough one, that would be her Achillies... well ... hair.
I give it to Barack, the underdog, in 5 rounds.
Good point Scott, I never thought about the hair factor, there may be hope after all!
There's so many different directions you can go with this one. I actually think Hulk Hogan is tremendous asset to Barack. He is battle-tested and experienced enough not to be intimidated by "smell what the Rock is cooking" or whatever lame thing he likes to say. Plus, he's probably seen "Be Cool," where the Rock (although in a superb acting job) was not at his most intimidating. Hogan knows when to fight with his hands, and when to resort to bashing a chair over an opponent's head.
On the other hand, I think you've gotta give Hillary an edge of her own due to her experience. She knows how to move to the left and right in the middle of a battle - to dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee, as it were. However, this may prove to be her undoing. She has shown herself to be complacent and set in her ways. Sorry, Michael, I certainly don't think he's too much of a nice guy - I think he could fight mean when he's on the ropes. This is a toss up, but assuming Bill and his expertise is kept away from the ring and not able to give her advice, and factoring in the hair-pulling and Hillary's lack of a mouth guard, I give the edge to Obama/Hogan.
As much as I love Barack, there is no way he's going to beat Hillary. She is mean and very, very scary! And then there's Hulk Hogan who is getting really. The Rock would kill him in a minute flat.
Thus, my verdict is that Hillary and The Rock would be the glorious winners.
Hulk has lost all street cred with "Hogan Knows" and Barack is too Wally & the Beav. If it weren't enough that Hillary is "dirty dirty" representin' "south south Jamaica Queens," the Rock's eyebrow raise is like an A-bomb--more devastating than "Blue Steel." Hil and Rock, KO, Round 2.
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Clintons don't fight fairly -- everyone knows that. So I think that Hillary and the Rock (especially if it was his evil "Scorpion King" incarnation) would get out to a big early lead. They would be hitting Obama and the Rock over their heads with chairs when they weren't looking, poking eyes, all of that dirty stuff. Then, at the last minute, some sort of surprise entrance by either Jimmy Carter or the Macho Man would take place, they would intervene on Obama/Hogan's side, and Hillary would be vanquished.
And then Brooke Hogan would sing a horrible rendition of "We Are The Champions."
Mitt Romney and Jon Heder might be a good duo to take them all...
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